Yesterday, the Daily Mail sought to reset the nation’s moral compass by pointing out the recent flood of speculation about Moscow waterbed shenanigans was the work of “cheap, lazy journalists who ran with fake Trump sleaze to urinate on his presidency.”

The article, penned by the exemplary Piers Morgan, crushed all counterargument by proving that the story is “baloney” because Trump’s and Putin’s denials have been furious. 

In the face of such unassailable evidence, and from such unimpeachable sources, we talked to Dr Horace Cope, senior lecturer in Media Studies and Applied Churnalism at Rochdale Community University.

“Clearly Piers knows what he’s talking about from his days as the Editor of the Daily Mirror. His experience of fake piss stories is unparalleled, as he’s the only Fleet Street editor to have actually been sacked for splashing one across his front pages,” said Horace.

Horace was then asked to reflect on the pathos of Morgan’s characterisation of the fake story as “Horribly damaging, deeply offensive baloney which will of course have caused huge distress to Trump, his wife Melania, and their wider families.”

“Again, Mr Morgan is intensely knowledgeable in this area. How can one reject the ethical judgement of a man who routinely supervised the harassment and humiliation of countless families through the hacking of voicemail accounts for money?”

Today the world stands shame-faced. Piers Morgan has rightly chastised the media circus for its despicable treatment of the defenceless Trump family, and any suggestion that this might influence or obtain a favourable status for Mr Morgan under the new regime is just a cynical attempt to traduce a National Paragon.

Piers Morgan is also known as Jennifer in certain circles.