We heard today that during the final cabinet meeting of 2016, Secret Santa gifts were distributed between Ministers.
Chancellor of the Exchequer, the right honourable Phillip “Laughing Boy” Hammond did the honours. Wearing an improvised costume comprising of an old red Ermine Lord’s costume and inverted judge’s wig for beard, he reluctantly passed out the gifts from his red briefcase.
It was time for the cabinet members to guess who had put that thought into buying their present.
Theresa May received a signed copy of Boris Johnson’s autobiography, causing her to immediately glare at him for his inability to follow secret Santa protocol over self-promotion.
Her disposition lightened somewhat however, when Boris followed through by unwrapping a box containing a perfectly formed stool sample.
This situation was compounded with the uttered phrase “a fake turd, very funny chaps!” as he reached in and grasped a cold wet fistful.
Of course, given the narcissist’s propensity for self-centred acts of back-stabbing, the list of suspects remains open.