Perennial mayoral election loser and political wet weekend ‘Whispering’ Zac Goldsmith resigned his seat in Richmond today after Theresa May announced plans to build a third runway in his back garden.

“This decision is bad for my environment.” Multi-millionaire heir to the Goldsmith fortune, former banker, former MP and former ‘environmentalist’ Zac Goldsmith whispered to The Rochdale Herald.

“Obviously we need another runway to deport all of these inconvenient little brown people and other assorted foreigners. Why else would I vote for Brexit?” he mimed at us.

“But putting it next to my constituency is really not on. Don’t they know there’s lots of millionaires in Richmond. We like to sit in our gardens drinking Pimms. Poor people don’t have gardens, and they’re at work or at the Job Centre all day, so noisy planes flying over isn’t going to bother them at all.” he silently intimated.

“Anyhow. I didn’t win the mayoral election, May isn’t going to give me a seat in the cabinet anytime soon and there’s loads of money to be made trading currency. What’s his face  Farage’s mate made £220M on Brexit night, so fuck it, I can pretend to have principles, resign, not get re-elected and go back to my private equity firm not stinking of Gove and Boris.” he said to us via a meaningful look.

The Lib Dems (yes, they’re still a thing) are thought to be thrilled at the prospect of a Richmond Park by-election.

Get monthly highlights in your inbox

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.