Following public outcry that someone who has had their home blown to smithereens might be so desperate as to embellish the truth in order to seek sanctuary in one of the nations responsible for their fleeing, The Home Office have announced new measures to establish the age of refugees.
“It’s about time too” remarked Violet Parkinson of Prestatyn, who refused to give her age stating it’s rude to ask a lady such a question. “I’ve never seen an asylum seeker and I’m not sure how they would affect me, but that lovely David Davis chap who got us out of the EU said we don’t need them and they might be terrorists. It’s not like someone involved in winning the single most important democratic vote the country has ever known would lie, would they?”
Davis himself outlined some of the initiatives. “The key to making this operation a success is the clandestine nature that we will approach it in.” advised the MP who didn’t order an alcoholic drink until his 18th birthday. “We can’t let them know they’re being tested or the ruse will be rumbled. We’re thinking of maybe sending them down the shops for a Marathon or some Opal Fruits and seeing what they come back with.”
Another idea is to hum a few bars of Vengaboys songs. “No one’s listened to them since the 90s so it’s impossible that anyone under the age of 16 will know their songs. We’ll automatically know if they’re an adult if they join in.”
“We’re also devising a few ideas to test Gary Lineker’s age” continued the London born MP. “He doesn’t look to have aged a bit since he retired from playing football and we’re pretty sure that he hasn’t. We’re hoping he may have finally got over that dodgy toe and can be called up to the England squad.”
Lineker is only 5 goals off Wayne Rooney’s record. With a game against Scotland coming up could overtake him and by doing so Davis hopes he can diminish the Manchester United & England captain’s claim for a starting berth in the national team.
“That hair transplant isn’t fooling anyone. Look how early he started going bald and started to decline as a player. There’s no way he’s just turned 31, he’s at least 5 years older. Making Lineker play alongside John Stones & Jordan Henderson would be suitable punishment for accusing me and The Sun of being racist. I know he didn’t directly claim it was our attitudes that were racist, but if the cap fits and all that.”
