The Crown Prosecution Service has declined to prosecute Simon “Shagger” Danczuk on the basis that they are not confident they will secure a conviction.

Serial sext pest and pornography enthusiast Simon Danczuk who genuinely has a book out about rapey politicians is believed to have said;

“Phew! I would not do well in prison. I tried it in Spain and didn’t like it.”

The Sun helpfully pointed out that Simon has had a pretty stressful year what with being accused of raping somebody, appearing in a Spanish court for allegedly bashing around his ex-wife on holiday, being suspended from the Labour Party for sending lewd messages to a teenager, having sex with a constituent in his constituency office, ruining Karen’s sofa and definitely not fiddling his expenses.

He’s a difficult man to satirise.