Men up and down the UK will now be sleeping with one eye open and replacing all the knives in the house with plastic picnic cutlery after the acquittal of Helen Titchener of Ambridge, according to her Husband Rob. She has been found not guilty of Attempted Murder despite having “stabbed him up good an’ ting” he said.
Solicitors for Rob Titchener say they plan to appeal the decision. “It was a farce – a stitch up from start to finish” said his Barrister Sue Grabbit-Runne “throughout the trial none of the Jury seemed to be paying any attention to the evidence and seemed to be reading what amounted to scripts!” she continued. She also claimed a gender bias “They were ‘playing a part’ and many of them looked like actresses off telly – I swear blind one of them looked like Catherine Tate off Dr Who.”
After a week-long trial, albeit one that seemed to take place for no more than 15 minutes per day, the jury at Borchester Crown Court also found her not guilty of Wounding with Intent over the incident in which Rob was stabbed. However he says all the evidence was “hearsay” claiming that there were no pictures and no film of any alleged incident involving him & his wife – merely people claiming to have heard it or discussed it over lunch at the office.
A spokesperson for Ms Titchener said that, considering what Lorena Bobbitt to her husband John, Mr Titchener had got off pretty lightly and should probably “shut the fuck up”.
