Jeremy Kyle was said to be jubilant this morning after securing an exclusive appearance by Donald Trump.

The show which is titled “Five children by Three Women” will almost certainly feature Donald Trump taking a DNA test to prove that he’s human. Divorce and adultery are said to have been a longstanding feature of Donald Trump’s relationship with Earthlings;

“Nobody does adultery like me. I’m the best at adultery.” Donald allegedly told guests during his speech at his third wedding.

Trump met his third wife Melania at the Manhattan Kitten Club (not a brothel but it does sound like one) during a date with a woman he was seeing whilst married to Marla Trump who he married after a two year affair during his marriage to Ivana Trump (not to be confused with Ivanka Trump, the daughter he fancies).

Jeremy Kyle fans across America are said to be very excited to hear more about Donald’s policies on screwing immigrants and legalising incest. “Nobody screws immigrants like me. I’m the best at screwing immigrants. Ask anybody.”

Neither Ivana nor Melania were available for comment.

Get monthly highlights in your inbox

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.