Jihadis are entering the country on false passports according to Europol, heralding a New Wave. 

Since the uproar regarding burkhinis on the beautiful beaches of Rochdale, citizens of the borough have been on their guard, forever watchful for the next infiltration by the dreaded jihadists. 

In recent days the telephones on the newsdesk have been overwhelmed by a call warning us of suspicious looking individuals walking around the town centre at the weekend wearing post-punk highwayman style outfits, ra-ra skirts and suit jackets with the sleeves rolled up. An increase in the number of hits on town centre juke boxes for the music of The Jam, Bow-wow-wow, The Human League and Ian Dury & The Blockheads has also been reported. These are worrying times.

Fears were confirmed today when Europol announced that New Wave jihadis were sneaking into the country from Syria on false passports whilst listening to eighties music on Sony Walkman personal stereos. A source close to the Pentagon told us; 

“The war on terror has entered Daesh Mode and this is just the avant guard. These New Wave jihadis should, however, be easier to identify due to their wedge haircuts and heavy eye make-up. They have kept us on our toes with some favouring the mod revival look in an effort to slip through the net.” 

A source in Trafalgar Square hinted that this was something the combined forces of NATO and the UN security council had been working towards whilst another source in the Bermuda Triangle confirmed that the coalition’s ultimate goal is to force IS into deploying early 90s jihadis who will almost certainly be too sexy for their suicide vests rendering them virtually useless.

As always, The Rochdale Herald would urge you to be vigilant and be on the look out for anyone wearing mirrored aviator sunglasses, spikey hair and dungerees.