As the country basks in the glory of Team GB’s second place in the Olympic medal table, China released a press statement saying,

“The People’s Republic of China wishes to congratulate the British team for beating us in the table. It amuses us that you think you beat us though. We will be waiting at the airport to meet your briefly victorious athletes. All your medals are belong to us!”

It’s now been revealed that under former Chancellor George Osbourne’s sell-off of national assets to overseas governments, he also included any future sporting achievements the country may have. It’s believed he made the deal after just watching England play football and believed that was the only sport we did, and therefore a safe bet.  

There has been a cooling of relations between the UK and China recently, due to Theresa May postponing a decision on the new Hinckley Nuclear power station, primarily because spending £100 squillion of taxpayers money on a big battery should have some oversight.
China continued, “We shall take all your medals and run over them in big military parade which displays our huge military might and why you should be very afraid of defaulting on us. We let you win.”

“Except the Dressage obviously. You can keep that. Dancing horses is not a sport.”