The UK’s new foreign secretary Jeremy Hunt admitted yesterday that he can’t tell his wife apart from the Chinese Foreign Minister because they both have those eyes that “look a bit funny.”

Mr Hunt made the announcement today during an official visit to China after accidentally squeezing the Chinese Foreign Minister’s bottom and asking him to dress up like a midwife so he can “screw the pension out of him.”

“It’s an easy mistake to make,” Jeremy Hunt told The Rochdale Herald, “they all look really similar around here.”

“Thank god I only squeezed his arse, if I’d done something really stupid like called him Japanese that would have been really embarrassing.”

“Everybody knows that the Japanese and the Chinese are bitter rivals. They’ve fought two wars in the last hundred years and it’s looking really likely that they might have another major conflict coming soon over territory in the South China Sea.”

“That would have been really fucking stupid, what with me being Foreign Secretary and everything.”

“Has anybody seen my wife? I know she’s around here somewhere, if somebody could point her out to me that would be really very helpful.”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.