A woman in Pakistan has been sentenced to death for insulting the fictional character, Harry Potter.

The woman’s lawyer told us, “This woman deeply insulted Harry Potter whilst at a neighbours house. She said that Hufflepuff was a superior house to Gryffindor and went as far as to say there was no proof that Harry wasn’t a Muggle. Frankly, death by hanging is the least we can do.”

He went on, ” I have had to flee my house because of my association with this woman. It may look crazy to people that Pakistani people care so deeply about fictional characters but it is a key part of our identity. As a society we kill people who insult God and there’s no proof of his existence. At least with Harry Potter there is footage that you can go and watch at the cinema.”

Some commentators have likened the woman’s case to 1997 when the Pakistani branch of the Eastenders fan club stoned a woman to death for insulting Phil Mitchell. The ensuing protests at the woman’s actions led to many deaths and the burning down of central Karachi.

Several NGO’s have called for the woman to be offered asylum in another country. One spokesman told us, “This woman’s life is in serious danger here. 20 years ago another lady was overheard saying Narnia didn’t exist. That led to 40 villagers being stoned to death. A similar thing could happen here if nothing is done.”

The Rochdale Herald tried to contact God for a quote but as God is entirely fictitious and no hard of thinking religious moron has ever offered any conclusive proof of his existence then he predictably didn’t offer any comment. Because he doesn’t exist except for in your tiny little backwards brain cell.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.