Supermarkets across the land are fast running out of canned goods and bottled water and survivalist websites across the world are crashing as thousands of terrified yet stoic Britons rush to build fall out shelters.
Why? Today we discovered that Boris Johnson is technically in charge of the country as Theresa May has gone yodelling in the Swiss Alps.
“As soon as I heard he was at the wheel, I ripped off my shed door and started building a shelter like in those protect and survive leaflets from the 80s,” said Albert Ross from Rochdale, “He’s got a week I heard. Makes nuclear war pretty much a certainty, dunnit?”
“He’s what? Chuffing heckerd, I better paint me windows white then,” remarked Shirley Ramsay from Aldworth.
Travel websites are also said to be buckling under the strain as thousands attempt to leave before Boris accidentally declares war on North Korea, bombs China or sets fire to Scotland.
“I was on my vay to wisit my English girlfriend,” Henning Khol, from Hamburg told us, “but zen I hear zat Boris haz ze keys to number 10? Nein chance, I thought! I von’t take ze risk. She isn’t that pretty!”
The Herald will continue to update you for as long as the nation remains. But the wifi in our bunker on Drake Street is rubbish.
Stay strong Britain. We can get through this.
But just in case we don’t, Doris Fairweather from Oldham: I lied. I did pinch your last Rolo; Dave Burwich: I know you cheated at chess that time; Muriel, my beloved mother-in-law: actually I never rated your hotpot. It tasted like someone had thrown a bag of potatoes in the washing up and then had a poo on ’em.
