Rochdale Herald readers will be disappointed to hear that the rumours that pornography enthusiast Simon Danczuk MP immolated himself lighting a bonfire in July are not true. 

That honour goes to fellow Tory MP Gordon Henderson, MP for Sittingbourne and Stepney. 

Gordon cleverly covered himself in petrol before lighting a bonfire. He has taken to social media to urge people not to accidentally set themselves on fire because “they might die.”

Thanks for the advice Gordon, we’ll try not to cover ourselves in petrol and strike a match in an enclosed space.

“You’d really have to be a twat to try to light a fire with petrol, that’s just f*cking stupid? Oh he’s an MP? Did they put him out?” Said leader of the Fire Brigades Union Fireman Sam Gilchrist. 

Fortunately for Gordon, despite being a sitting Conservative MP, his wife was prepared to hose him down when he went up. 

If you are an MP, like Danczuk, and you’re  going to accidentally turn yourself into a human torch in a gardening accident make sure you haven’t cheated on your wife because she’ll be the one with the hose.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.