The Chairman of UKIP has been caught red faced after lying about his occupation on a dating site.
Paul Oakden claimed to “play a piano in a whorehouse” rather than admit to his role in UKIP. He also stood next to somebody else’s Aston Martin, understandable given that they’re sexier and more reliable than a 23 year old Leyland DAF van with a panel door.
We sent our intern, Douglas, to all of the brothels in Leicestershire and he told us that he didn’t see a single piano. Though pretty much all of the employees he met recognised Mr Oakden’s photograph, but were surprised to learn that he wasn’t a rocket scientist, an astronaut or a horse whisperer.
Madame Dominique of Club Classique told us “oh yes, we know Walter, he’s a regular. Apparently he used to be a dolphin trainer but is now working with child refugees at a donkey sanctuary.”
When we told her that his name wasn’t actually Walter Mitty but Paul Oakden, the Chairman of UKIP, she assured us that “all her girls are all checked regularly”.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.