Ed Miliband has vowed to do the dishes, take the rubbish out to the bin and mow lawns for every member in his North Doncaster constituency to secure their votes for Labour.

“Well, if it gets the gutter cleared, I’ll vote Labour. I’ve been asking my partner to get it done since 2010.” Said Sarah from Doncaster

Another constituent, Paul sai “I didn’t think much of him in the 2015 election to be honest. But after coming round today, he’s got my vote. I’ve been putting off clearing out the shed for months, but Ed not only tidied it up, but he gave it a few coats of Cuprinol as well!”

We were unable to reach Mr Miliband for a statement, as he was busy applying silicone seal to a pensioner’s bathroom.

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.