Sadiq Khan, flanked by millions of people of various ethnic backgrounds who by and large couldn’t give a flying shit where each other is from, and when they do it’s usually innocent curiosity rather than suspicion, except for isolated individuals with low educational attainment, nailed a piece of paper to the doors of St Paul’s this evening.

Pausing for photos to be taken with smartphones the Mayor of London braced himself for the outpouring of Kipper and Biffer hate from the shires that was certain to follow.

“I’m going to build a wall!” The Mayor proclaimed. “And London is going to pay for it!”

The reaction was instant. Approximately eighty percent of London shouted “YES!” and, “Alright mate. Fine by me.”

It seems the paper on the door was a proclamation of London’s independence from the rest of the United Kingdom.

London, it seems, is getting out before the Scots, the Irish and inevitably, the Welsh. The city doesn’t seem too bothered what Westminster thinks about the decision. Which is only fair given that Westminster on balance doesn’t seem too bothered by what London thinks about its decision to Brexit.

The wall will be built of replica Roman brick and construction is expected to be completed by 2019.

“When the food riots start in the counties they can starve for all I care.” Danny, a resident of the city commented. “We care about the rust belts and we think they’ve been done over from Thatcher on, but before those UKIP loving prats accuse us of living in a bubble I’d like them to try paying rent in this bloody city where every new build is sold off to the Chinese or Russians.”

Claims that London will starve without the dwindling agricultural produce of the countryside have been dismissed.

“We only eat houmus and haloumi these days anyway. So fuck off.”

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