In advance of Brexit negotiations Phillip Hammond is to bury all of the country’s wealth in a hole in the ground.

The hole, believed to be planned for a field in Staffordshire, will include the giant necklaces Theresa May is often seen wearing about her neck.

The move is an attempt to reduce the UK’s financial exposure ahead of triggering Article 50.

“Every citizen of this united kingdom will have to bury their silver and gold.” Hammond advised, speaking to the Telegraph. “Wedding bands, charm bracelets, silver rattles, whatever you have, it’s going in the ground.”

It’s believed in this way, when the EU negotiators land at Hastings later this year, their efforts to cart away our physical wealth will be in vain.

“Secrecy is all important.” Hammond added. “If you are friends with an EU citizen or have married someone from the continent, we advise you to put the purity of your British blood ahead of these temporary unions.”

Apparently the EU negotiators will be armed with shovels and a map of the UK.

“Whatever you do, don’t mention Staffordshire.” Hammond said. “For this plan to secure the future wealth of the UK absolute secrecy is vital.”

It’s unsure yet if there will need to be a human sacrifice at the moment of burial, but Hammond had some encouragement in that regard.

“If we do decide on a single or mass human sacrifice to appease Brexit God, the individuals will only be selected from the ranks of the young. And will probably just be their hopes and dreams going into the hole, not their actual physical selves.”

Probably.

More good news for Brexit voters.

Once the Brexit negotiations are completed and the EU negotiators given up in frustration and returned to their decadent public baths across the channel, the hoard will be dug up.

“It’s clearly a time honoured method of securing wealth ahead of invasion.” Hammond concluded. “You just have to read the papers. Hoards are recovered almost daily.”

Further plans to salt the earth and burn the furniture are being considered, but it’s thought that may not be necessary. Yet.

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