10 Downing Street has this morning announced that The Wars of the Roses are to be re-fought via a referendum for each decisive battle.

It’s expected the ballot papers will offer only a binary choice between York or Lancaster at each stage to avoid confusion relating to “just how many bloody Edwards and Richards were there again?”

Mr. Larry Simnell, 56, a junior shoe sales clerk and organiser of The Market Drayton Battle Re-enactment Society, spoke about the development.

“It’s what we’ve been pretending to fight about for all these years.”

The plans have been drawn up to get ahead of expected developments relating to the Brexit process. Legislation will be introduced into the Commons before the end of March, but given the government’s majority, with most Labour MP’s currently sitting on the government benches, the bill is expected to progress smoothly.

“It’s just sensible forward planning.” Priti Patel MP, Secretary of State for International Development, explained.

“We’re aware that some people may possibly lose some continental holdings of a minor nature during the process of establishing Britain on the global world’s map…holdings which they will be easily able to more than replace with a positive outlook and the ability to sell tea to India and China, so we thought we’d get ahead of the game and provide a positive channel for any hard feelings with a method proven to heal national divisions.

And, and, this is very important, and let the north of England understand that their voices really are being heard in Westminster by letting them run about and campaign in the mud like their ancestors.”

Funding for the referendums is to come from Mrs. Patel’s own departmental budget.

“The boom in international trade following Brexit will make everyone so much richer, so it’s natural my department now turns its focus to domestic needs.”

The first referendum is to take place in St. Albans on the 22nd May, concluding with a decisive, penultimate ballot thirty years later at Bosworth Field.

 Plans for the final vote to take place in Stoke two years after Bosworth are still the subject of debate, with Downing Street expected to decide it will not be absolutely necessary and just cost too much to organise.

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