In a surprise move Theresa May has appointed Tim Nice But Dim UK Amabassador to the EU.
The appointment comes after seasoned diplomat Sir Ivan Rogers quit the post saying “bugger this, Brexit is a shit sandwich and I want nothing to do with it.”
Many had thought the role would go to a civil servant with a deep understanding and knowledge of the “Brussels machinery”. The move comes in response to calls from Brexiters to award the job to somebody who backed Britain leaving the EU at the referendum in 2016.
“Ya ya what a terrific hoot, ya. An Old Ardinian like me in charge of breakfast. Terrific, bring back Kippers that what I say. Breakfast means breakfast. Ya!” An ecstatic Tim told The Herald.
He was characteristically flummoxed to find out he wasn’t in charge of Breakfast, rather Brexit.
“Ya? What’s a Brexit and how do you cook it? What, what? Ya.”
A spokesman for the government told us that “Tim is as qualified as the next man to negotiate the best deal for the UK. He knows as much as anybody else about the government’s plan for leaving the EU.”
Which is undoubtedly true.