Britain’s oldest island refugee centre, Australia, is to be closed following reports of inhumane conditions and bonkers management.

The centre, set up in 1770, has seen controversy after controversy during its operation but will now close for good after its tinfoil hat wearing leaders were found to be running a camp of their own where people were treated like shit.

“Given that the centre is filled with poisonous creatures that nobody should have to live with we thought it was time to finally shut the wretched place down,” said a minister, “but enough about the people running it. Did you know there’s lots of dangerous animals in there too?”

Some of the residents have been living there since before the camp was set up. These indigenous people are said to be overjoyed at the news, “About fracking time, mate, “ said one, “Pasty faced bastards have ruined our culture with their fizzy piss beer and shitty soap operas.”

The island was originally set up by the British Crown to be a prison but after the convicted beat us at cricket it was realised that they wouldn’t be able to compete in the commonwealth games unless they were technically given nationhood.

The failed experiment is said to be the final death-knell of the British Empire. At least by people who hadn’t noticed the last hundred years of history.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.