Aries

The fall in the value of the pound is just the beginning of your financial woes this week – your pension provider will collapse, leaving you with nothing for your old age. You shouldn’t worry too much though, there’s a good chance you’ll develop ongoing health problems which will ultimately end in an early death, so a pension won’t be necessary.
Mid-week will hit you hard in the pocket, as your boiler bursts – flooding your house while you’re at work. Long treasured possessions will be ruined and you will lose important paperwork.
Your troubles will cause you to be absent minded and you will forget to close a window on Friday, allowing a burglar into your home to steal everything of worth that you saved from the flood.

Taurus

This week will be an emotional roller-coaster that you just can’t seem to get off. Your partner will be arrested for being part of a bestiality filming ring and the police will grill you all night as they initially suspect you of being involved.
You will turn to a friend for comfort, but should beware as they have an ulterior motive for helping you. Your family can not be trusted to support you either.
You’ll go out on Saturday to try and forget your concerns, but bump into an old school-mate who makes inappropriate advances which border on sexual assault. This incident will affect you for life and haunt you until your dying day.

Gemini

On Monday you will make what you consider a casual joke in an email  about a workmate, which will see disciplinary proceedings brought against you for racism and bullying. Colleagues will turn on you as you are suspended and made to leave the building in full view of everyone.
By Thursday, a family member will be diagnosed with a terminal illness and given until xmas, at best, to live. This will send them into a downward spiral of depression and you will be ineffective in your attempts to console them.
Your ‘joke’ at the start of the week will come back to bite you on Sunday, as someone sprays ‘racist scum’ on your front door then throws an open pot of black paint through your front window.

Cancer

Early in the week, you will slip on a discarded ice lolly and fall down some stairs, causing you to break your leg. There will be a mix up with the emergency services and the ambulance will leave you writhing in agony for over an hour before it finally arrives.
The severe nature of the break will mean you spend the rest of the week in hospital. The man in the bed next to you will be an incessant snorer with amnesia who spends his waking hours telling you the same three stories over and over again.
You will be well enough to go home by Saturday but don’t get too excited, as a fire will gut your kitchen and cause smoke damage to the rest of your home.

Leo

What you have long thought was simply a harmless mole starts to blacken and will soon turn out to be a melanoma. You’ll catch it early enough to have it removed, but it will leave a hideous scar behind.
Mid-week, you will get food poisoning and spend days alternating between projectile vomiting and painful bouts of diarrhoea. The agonising cramps will be almost unbearable and you will feel like ending it all just to escape the pain.
The food poisoning will abate by Saturday, but you will be left weak and fragile – barely able to even get out of bed. You’ll struggle to the bathroom but faint and crack your head on the sink, soaking yourself in blood and causing concussion.

Virgo

On Tuesday, you will be try to help a man who is being savagely attacked by a Staffordshire Bull Terrier, but the dog will turn on you and rip off half of your little finger. It will not be possible to reattach the severed section due to the canine swallowing it.
You’ll be prescribed morphine for the pain, meaning you spend the rest of the week ripped to the tits and suffering terrifying hallucinations where you relive the dog attack for hours at a time – the worst part of it is that the dog has the face of your father and the legs of a baby.
By the weekend you’ll have difficulty seperating your hallucinations from reality and end up wildly thrashing around your living room, causing hundreds of pounds worth of damage.

Libra

Early in the week, a relative will die in violent circumstances and you will be the only person available to identify the body. The sight isn’t something you can shake off easily and you will suffer months of harrowing nightmares.
You’ll take the rest of the week to try and come to terms with the memory of the badly mutilated family member you saw, but time alone will turn out to be a terrible idea as you get jumpy and frightened – panicking at even the slightest noise and scared to answer the door.
By the weekend you will be a shadow of your former self – crippled with anxiety and riddled with regret over every bad decision you’ve made in your life. You’ll feel like the end can’t come soon enough.

Scorpio

Monday will see a family gathering turn into a drunken punch up, resulting in several serious injuries and at least three arrests. You will escape the worst of it by hiding in the toilet, but this will result in a relative branding you a ‘traitorous coward’ and refusing to speak to you for years to come.
On Thursday your cat will be stolen and used as bait to train fighting dogs. It’s death will not be quick and certainly won’t be painless.
At the weekend, you’ll be involved in a car crash that will leave you permanently disfigured – requiring a long hospital stay and months of gruelling physiotherapy. You will never fully recover.

Sagittarius

The memories of a traumatic childhood incident will be at the front of your thoughts throughout the start of the week after seeing almost identical events portrayed in Eastenders. You will be able to think of nothing but your Uncle’s cold, clammy hands upon you.
You will drink to forget on Thursday, but end up a sobbing emotional wreck – sat in the corner of your kitchen, slowly rocking back and forth saying ‘no’ continuously, well into the early hours of Friday.
On Saturday, a close friend will be beaten within inches of their life in a road-rage attack involving a body builder in a dayglo shellsuit.

Capricorn

On Tuesday you will discover that your mother used to be a prostitute and you are the product of a Welsh docker’s broken condom. This news will hit you hard and you’ll end up resenting her deeply.
Later in the week, an unexpected figure from your past will be the bringer of bad news when they reveal that they are HIV positive and you need to get tested. You face a long and agonising wait for the result.
You will spend the weekend feeling depressed and alone. Nothing you do can distract you from worrying about whether you may have passed it on to your numerous sexual partners. All those bareback sessions at the swingers club mean you don’t even know most of their names.

Aquarius

On Monday you will walk in on your partner having sex with a neighbour who you also classed as a close friend. This has been going on for several months and it is not the first time they have strayed. Indeed, they have a long history of cheating and deceiving you.
Mid-week sees you walking out on the lying bastard and your world collapsing around you, leading to you ending up back on the skag. You swear you will get revenge, but are too mangled to do anything about it.
You’ll spend the weekend in a squalid smack den, jacking up with a bunch of inbred miscreants, discussing conspiracy theories and watching trance music videos on youtube.

Pisces

Early in the week, you will have your drink spiked with a large dose of ecstasy, resulting in you walking up the motorway stark naked, singing I Will Survive. The comedown will be harsh and you will suffer terribly.
On Thursday, you will fall into open water, leading to a serious bout of Weil’s Disease which results in nausea and vomiting, severe headaches and deeply upsetting fever dreams.
By the weekend, the infection will have drastically worsened to cause kidney failure and internal bleeding. You will be rushed to hospital for emergency surgery and dialysis.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.