Yes, it’s that time of the year again, the nights are drawing in, there’s a chill in the air and knob heads can’t wait two hours until it goes dark before letting off their crappy corner shop rockets.
We used to be a proud nation who honoured our most famous terrorist on the 5th of every November. Communities would unite around a fire and everyone brought something to the party; Parkin, black peas, MD 20/20…
The nutter from number 4 would arrive with his petrol, instigating the inevitable 999 call.
We threw all that tradition away though, like an MP casts away his promises after an election. The fire burns no more, we don’t know the neighbours and that nutter from number 4 died in a freak accident long ago.
Everyone drinks fancy gin now and we have nothing old to make a ‘Guy’ from because we live in a miserable, isolated, throw away, capitalist dystopia.
“What are you talking about you stupid prick? Fill ripped tights with old newspaper? Why would I keep ripped tights or old newspaper?”
If it was still popular to have a Guy we’d just buy one purely to burn it. It would be a crap Guy though because “Them at number 10’s is from Next”.
It’s over, gone. We instead pay £5 each or £20 for a family to stand in a field, sober as judges watching organised displays. A magnificent, amazing ballet of colour in the sky which we watch on the 5″ screens of our smart phones as we record, never to see again.
It’s all good though! Walmart bought Asda so now Halloween is a thing. I mean, a proper thing. Hurray! Long gone are the plastic vampire teeth, the translucent witch fingers, the 99p masks and the fake blood.
No more will poor children be forced to wear a bin bag, because Halloween is an actual bone fide thing and we have proper fancy dress; cosplay if you’re American or have a low IQ.
We haven’t just inherited the party though, oh no. We’ve gone full ‘Murica, trick or treating and all. So, when the big day arrives remember to tell your kids;
“Go out, talk to strangers and ask them for sweets. Have fun!”
