Chancellor Philip Hammond responds to calls to offer above-inflation pay rises to public sector workers in Westminster, after a survey revealed that four out of ten MPs lose sleep because of financial anxiety.

The poll by the Conservative Party revealed that 70% of respondents considered themselves financially worse off than they were five years ago. One respondent said a combination of his religious beliefs and a lack of natural rhythm had left him with as many as six children to put through public school.

The Conservative Party Chairman said it was “ludicrous” that highly-valued MPs would be forced into considering faith schools in expensive suburbs rather than Eton, adding that “today’s survey shows how badly MPs are suffering from the continued underfunding of these most vital of public sector workers.”

The Chancellor gave a clear signal in his pre-budget remarks that an above-inflation pay rise to hard-pressed Members of Parliament is on the house of cards. The move is expected to provide an economic stimulus to the local area, with waiting times for tables in Boisdale of Belgravia extending on the news.

The UK is currently in the worst period of pay growth for more than 150 years, and we at the Herald welcome this end to austerity. The Labour Party has, as usual, cautiously approved the changes in principle, even though it pains all of them to be paid more.

Jeremy Corbyn, peace be upon him, has indicated he may even buy a jaunty new hat.

Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?