Your cat has confirmed that despite only being willing to eat one specific type of food, it is still more than happy to lick its own anus.
Speaking to reporters earlier today, the furry little psychopath explained that a willingness to rim himself for hygiene purposes did not preclude him from being fussy about his diet.
“I am the result of 15 million years of evolution, a perfectly-honed killing machine with a taste for the finest ingredients nature has to offer,” he said, before stretching forward to lap at his puckered sphincter.
“Sure, I’m happy to stick my tongue into my own butthole, but that doesn’t mean you can serve me any old slop,” he continued, “I’m not the f*cking dog.”
Pausing briefly to rasp away at his rusty sheriff’s badge, he went on: “I know you’d like me to be a bit more flexible food-wise, especially when there are so many cheaper options available, but you have to understand that only the best will do.
“But that’s not what this is about is it?” he asked, stretching his hind leg into the air to give you the best view of his wrinkled penny, his green eyes staring into your soul as he shamelessly works his sandpapery tongue into every crease.
“Am I making you feel uncomfortable? Come on, watch me as I do it. I said look at me! LOOK AT ME!”
A spokesperson for his current favourite food, Mr. Tibble’s Meaty Feasts, told the Herald that cats being fussy made little sense, as all cat food is made with the same key ingredient.
“Anuses,” she explained. “Lots and lots of ground-up anuses. They can’t get enough of them. Pig anus, cow anus, chicken anus, fish anus, you name an anus and it probably goes into cat food.
“It’s pretty much all we have left over after making dog food, chicken feed and Ginsters pasties.”
At press time, there are reports that your cat no longer likes the food you bulk bought yesterday and has decided that he actually really likes the one he outright rejected two weeks ago.
