Piers Morgan will today make a daring attempt to return to doing what he does best. Sitting on his arse while regurgitating tripe about immigrants, tweeting Gary Lineker, and perving on Susannah Reid.
Morgan, co-host of Good Morning Britain, went arse over tit breaking three ribs last week. Full details of the incident are not known, but it is believed that former England striker Lineker, disguised as the phantom raspberry blower from the Two Ronnie’s sketches, slide tackled Morgan from behind before disappearing into the mist blowing out a big one in delight.
Emergency services from Westminster and Chelsea Hospital reluctantly assisted Morgan when they realised who they had been called to. A hospital official Regina Ward later praised the staff, for dealing with the horror that they have been training many years for, and hoped they would never face.
Ward also went to say something about professionalism, citing some moral and ethical code they signed up to, so he basically had to be helped.
An unnamed Paramedic was quoted as saying. “I served in Bosnia and was fine with what I dealt with there. I will tell you this for a game of soldiers though, I did not sign up for this shit! I need therapy now”
Morgan has faced criticism from many top athletes about the situation, with some tweeting about super-human efforts in the face of adversity. most of these have been accomplished by themselves and some of them by those who they call ‘the normies’.
Strangely enough, he has been widely praised for putting on a brave face after asking his wife to kiss his boo boo, before hitting the gay bars of Soho with his co-host Reid, who denies paying Lineker to carry out the attack.
Ben Parkinson, who lost both legs in Afghanistan could not believe the bravery the TV star was showing. “I thought my life had changed for the worst after my injuries, but what I have seen over the past few days has brought a tear to me eye.”
“I walked with the Olympic torch, and was given the freedom of my City. But this man, is the bravest, manliest of all men I have ever known. I would gladly give up all of my awards and recognitions to have an ounce of the strength he has.”
Morgan was not available for comment. His agent said he was busy fouling a bag of ready salted to post to Gary Lineker’s house later today.
Lineker was unavailable for comment, but just decided to poke fun at himself by mocking the size of his ears on twitter.
A JustGiving page for the Paramedics involved with the incident has now been taken down. The money has been transferred to fund a charity single to raise funds for Morgan’s rehabilitation into normal society.
