The Daily Mail Editor has collected another prestigious award, in a glittering events ceremony in the Dubai International Finance Centre (“DIFC”).
Editor Paul Dacre was there in person to collect the award for “Inciteful News Story of the Year” for the impressive manipulation of an East London family court case into a globally covered scandal inciting hatred against Muslims, whilst promoting Dubai tourism.
Speaking on stage, a visibly engorged Dacre said “Now I know you may think the Daily Mail and the entirely independent and in no way linked Mail Online would not normally be interested in jointly authoring an article about the vulnerable people involved in a fostering case. But I say, where there’s muck there’s brass.”
Dacre, 68, the current holder of the UK’s Most Flaccid Cockgoblin title
“I can’t take personal credit it for the decision to use the Getty Images photo captioned “happiness couple in Dubai park” to accompany an article about a vulnerable child in Tower Hamlets, but of course the photo desk were following my direction to promote the Emirates generally as part of ensuring our appeal to advertising, and supporting the Conservative Party’s bid for business in this part of the world.”
“That said, I do see lots of similarities. Dubai has the DIFC, a commercial hub benefitting from the integration of the regional states under the Gulf Cooperation Council; and Tower Hamlets has Canary Wharf, a commercial hub until recently benefitting from…well anyway moving on.”
“But of course, an image of Dubai isn’t really Muslim enough for the story arc we call “Convenient Belfast”, so yes, I did tell the photo desk to add a veil. Our readers like their inciting veiled. Like how they keep thinking Tower Hamlets is two thirds Muslim because we keep saying that Tower Hamlets is one third white British, which of course leaves out the many beautiful Irish and Northern Irish girls that l take as personal inspiration for this story arc.”
“The Northern Irish troubles calming down really dented our circulation. So we needed a new Belfast. But, we thought, let’s make it more convenient. I was discussing with Isabel Oakeshott quite how she manages to grow such a luxurious mane of blonde hair, and she reminded me that not only can you put lipstick on a pig, but that Belfast was frankly inconvenient and wouldn’t it be nice if you could have a Belfast in London, much more convenient for Chipping Norton.”
“So, that’s what we are working on creating.”
The Mail accordingly ran a story about a five year old “white Christian” girl whose troubled mother had complained that she was placed with Muslim foster carers. This ignored that the mother’s parents were from a Muslim background, the mother was born into the Islamic faith (presumably prior to the alcoholism, drug addiction, etc.), and so the case was about bringing a child back from Muslim foster parents into the care of Muslim grandparents.
The same article of course then said “the mayor Lutfur Rahman had links to Islamic extremist groups,” whilst not including that critical word “former” before “mayor” (he was removed by residents bringing a court case) or indeed, giving a right of reply on the allegations to the current Mayor, one John Biggs, presumably because is white and doesn’t fit the narrative. Oh, and after being busted for adding the fake veil, they updated the online article to just pixelate the “mum’s” face, pretending they need to do that, when they don’t because it’s a sodding stock image, look, we used it too.
As intended, this helped stir up locals, drawing the following range of responses: “We’re being outbred here, with them facking mosques, I don’t want to move to Harlow,” said one angry self-identified patriot.
“Brothers, take this as evidence that the white man hates you, and escalate every turf war you can, actually, that’s a great idea, let’s try to take control of the astroturf bookings and argue that it is racist if you don’t get your own way,” said a petulant Bengali man-child.
“Can’t we all get along and do something positive for the borough,” said several people of a variety of backgrounds before being shouted down by the first two for “wanting to gentrify it.”
Dacre laughed at the news of this and said: “Yes, like I said, Belfast, but home in time for tea.”
The Herald would like to remind the Mail that:
1. making up a pack of bollocks supported by a shonky photoshop is our gig, get your tanks off our lawn you copycats, we want to be writing satire and fake stories not the true-ish version of your lies;
2. Tower Hamlets is no Belfast, the most famous mural is on Cable Street, commemorating another occasion Tower Hamlets stood up to people your paper supported.
3. Hopkins, as regards your suggestion that you would foster a Muslim child and show him what a white slag is, please do first make sure he hasn’t got hayfever if he’s going to have to watch you with someone else’s husband in a field.
4. a cockgoblin is not, as some wrongly assumed, anything to do with gobbling cocks, rather it is a goblin made from cocks, and although it is not known whether Paul was grown from actual peni or foreskin offcuts, or a combination thereof, the process of producing such a goblin is known as Dacreisation.
5. finally, Dacre, you can suck my Massive Mohammed.
