This is a key policy behind Rees-Mogg’s bid for the Conservative party leadership.
According to leaked documents, he is going to take his cue from the Catholic anthem Every Sperm Is Sacred and distribute his sperms individually. A single Rees-Mogg SuperSperm is expected to retail for a very reasonable sum, and, if administered correctly, is guaranteed to cause instant pregnancy.
The Daily Mail has already hailed this as the Tories’ Great White Hope, and has urged both of its pre-menopausal female readers to order a stock of SuperSperm.
The Labour Party provided an instant come-back. A spokesdick ejaculated, in a salty phrase, “Would YOU buy jizz from this man?”
Rees-Mogg’s virility is beyond doubt after effortlessly fathering six children. With many men suffering from erectile problems due to being overawed by powerful, successful women, the birthrate is set to plummet. By 2040, it is projected that Rees-Mogg will be the only man capable of impregnating women. But even Rees-Mogg does not have sufficient spunk to cover every brood mare in person. His stud fee is rumoured to beyond the means of all but the wealthiest wombs-in-waiting.
A new pressure group, Preggmentum, is going to promote these precious morsels of Moggy’s masculinity. Preggmentum predicts that by the turn of the 22nd century babies will be born wearing a suit and tie, and that the chin will have been consigned to history.
A special introductory offer is available, due to an expected glut of SuperSperm, at least until Mrs Rees-Mogg has sufficiently recovered from producing their sixth child, Sixtus. The MoggFather was able to clarify that “Sextus”, meaning sixth child, was the original name choice, but thought it would lead to him being bullied at school.
Not a single sperm will be wasted. God will not get quite irate. Semen will never be leaked, even if documents are. Rees-Mogg, if successful, will become the father of the nation.
