Birmingham is a modern, cosmopolitan city whose motto, Forward, sums it up perfectly. The smug, self-serving shithole that is London is the reverse. With its man-bunned hipsters vaping vapidly and gladly paying £10 for a half of craft lager, London has lost its lustre.
As HS2 looks like becoming a reality, London-based ‘UK-sceptics’ are warning that London will soon be invaded by nasally-inflected Midlanders. Their ‘Lexit’ campaign intends that London should disentangle itself from the UK?s malign clutches.
Spokesman Ray Zopes, taking his cue from their figurehead Boris Johnson, tweeted “We want are sitty bak” in the opening salvo of what should prove a long and difficult campaign. His organisation, London First, runs an acronymically-challenged Facebook site named Capital Under National Threat. This site recently ran a poll of members, “Should London leave the UK? Yes/No”. 52% of respondents voted “Yes”, although most of them did so just for shits and giggles.
Zopes asks, rhetorically, “Why would a geezer fram Landon even wanna go to Birmingham” We don’t want bleedin norverners dahn ere. Bladdy Brammies should git aht and stay aht of Landon.” You can see his point, if you look closely enough. Johnson distanced himself from the campaign, saying “Away, you three-inch fool! Your wit’s as thick as Tewkesbury mustard.”
Meanwhile professional Brummie Backer Rackhams has a face as long as Livery Street. “We down’t want people frum London comen eya,” he says. “Brum is bostin, we int bothered about cowin London.” Surprisingly, Rackhams and Zopes agree that London should leave the UK. “Our figger?ead, Jasper Carrott, moyd the point many years agow,” says Rackhams. “e proposed turnin the M twenty-foive into a moat and declarin independance back in the doi.”
“We down’t want to gow down London,” he continues. “Brum is reely grayt, bab.”
Slow trains still run between “Snaow ill” and “Marleybone”. These trains go all around the Wrekin. One Birmingham family went on an excursion to London in 2015 and is rumoured to be still stuck at a red signal somewhere outside High Wycombe.
