Her Majesty the Queen has today told the government “Let’s get this over with. I’ve got a horse in the 3pm at Ascot”.

Her worshipfulness is reported to be annoyed for several reasons about todays clash of calendars. According to a source, she reportedly told royal staff that Mrs May has been “A bit previous in coming to the palace, acting the big ‘I am’ about forming a government. Particularly when the pikeys haven’t even agreed to anything yet.”

Also that this speech is clashing with her quality time with several G and T’s and the geegees. The source claimed her Madge has “got a monkey on ‘Happy like a Fool’ and wants to be half way to muntered as it romps in”.

Her grace is reportedly having her own Day of Rage, and is even considering doing the bits of the speech about Brexit in her native German for a laugh.  Reportedly asking for the car to be used on the journey to Wesminster rather than the usual carriage, in order to “Get the hell out of dodge sharpish”.

The source told the Herald that the Queen has let it be known among the household that this sort of clash with her leisure time will not be tolerated again. Apparently saying “If May, or that white haired cretin who takes over next, want’s me to read this pack of horse-shite lies they’ve written for me. Then they can do it on a day when one’s social diary says ‘Netflix and Chill’. Not ‘Having it Large’.”

Instead of sitting there silently and with dignity through yet another speech, Prince Philip has reportedly been drinking out of the toilet again in order to get himself admitted to hospital.

Where at least he can watch the races on telly and will have wifi access to PaddyPower.

 

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