Britain has decided to show its appreciation for the NHS by funding it properly. 

The nation has made the decision that it doesn’t matter what expensive treatment you and your insurers can personally afford if you catch a disease from someone who cannot afford the same.  As a result, the UK has reaffirmed its belief that free at source healthcare is a right for all.

Britain has also decided that a single health service has an incredible negotiating power, so can buy medicines at a better price for all.  The massive negotiating power it has with suppliers is similar to the power of that sovereign wealth fund the Norwegians set up.  You know, that one they funded with the money from the oil in the North Sea they didn’t piss up against the wall.  That one, worth over £750 billion, that one, that we could have had one like.  That one.

To restore this power, Britain has also decided to reverse the division of the NHS into separate trusts, realising this 1990 decision had its origins in political dogma rather than public health. Savings are also expected to arise from a reduction in both layers of management and the money those managers spend on professional advisers in an effort to avoid being sued.  This will instead be spent on medical care.

With less professional advisers recommending decisions that involve spending money on professional advisers, it is thought that outsourcing will also stop.  Hospitals are likely to return to the model of having a maintenance staff rather than paying a company £40 to hang a picture in six weeks.  These staff will also receive fair pay and a NHS pension encouraging them to take pride in their work than being precariously “self-employed” gig economy gimps.

With Trusts removed and outsourcing ended, the decision to remove services like mental health provision from the NHS and parcel them up into community interest companies ready to be bought by Americans will also be reversed.

Finally, the nation has decided that it will start listening to experts again, particularly when they warn a plague is coming.  

Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?