With Coronavirus fever hitting the nation Rochdale residents had many questions. Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College answers some of them.

Will Coronavirus be as deadly as Harold Shipman?

Harold Shipman killed between 250 and 300 people. The latest Government predictions are that 5000 to 10000 people could get Coronavirus. Given a mortality rate of 3.6% this means that we can expect 180-360 deaths. To put that in context, Flu has a mortality rate of 0.1%. 5-10 people would be expected to be dead given 5000 – 10000 people infected. So yes, Coronavirus will be deadlier than Harold Shipman.

If the shops run out of soap can I make my own?

Yes. There are methods available on the internet to do this. One thing to bear in mind is that you’ll need a ready supply of fat. The fat clumps together as it doesn’t like water so it helps pus the virus off your skin. The cheapest option will be to use fat from Coronavirus victims. Just make sure the corpses are quite fresh.

How should I deal with elderly relatives?

At Rochdale College we’ve found the best way of dealing with them is by using a pillow. It tends to muffle the screaming as well which is always useful.

I’m worried that football will be cancelled and I’ll finally have an excuse to stop going as I’ve hated it for years. How should I handle this?

Tell everyone you’ve got Coronavirus then fake your own death. 

Am I a dick head?

Yes Barry, yes you are.