Pure bullshit from the House of Commons is to be converted into useful energy to power the City of Westminster, the Green Party has pledged.
The bold new initiative aims to reduce parliament’s carbon footprint to zero by 2025, using pioneering technology to capture the huge quantities of untapped bullshit found in the chamber.
MPs’ utter bullshit will be sucked out through sophisticated vents installed under their seats and piped to a processing plant. Once there it will be transformed into electricity and fed into the National Grid.
“We found the stinking lies, windy rhetoric and rotten tribalism found in the House of Commons combine to produce a rare type of bullshit that is particularly suitable for conversion into something worthwhile,” said inventor Professor Karen Watts.
“A typical, medium-length statement from a minister could generate enough bullshit to bake a potato, whereas Prime Minister’s Questions or a Brexit debate could potentially meet all the electricity demands of the palace for an entire day.”
And Professor Watts and her team are working on adapting the system so mobile units can be placed next to MPs when they are out and about doing interviews and making promises to the public.
“Unfortunately these mobile devices will not be ready in time for the 2019 election campaign, when we’ve estimated they’ll be enough PEB2 [Pre-election Bullshit] to power Greater Manchester for a fortnight.”
There are also plans underway to harness the actual shit produced in the House of Lords.
“The anal emissions from a lord in a single day’s sitting could boil a kettle,” said the professor.
“We’re hoping that in five years, both Houses of Parliament will not just be self-serving, but self-sufficient,” she added.