Price cuts on just before date-expired cask ale and fizzy lager mean that Wetherspoons customers will be able to drink themselves to death more rapidly.

Chain owner and furious scarecrow Ian Wetherspoon said “I’m delighted to introduce a range of price cuts in our sticky-floored retirement homes for the unemployed and elderly across the country.”

“From tomorrow it will be cheaper for our inmates to blame all their personal inadequacies on the EU while nibbling on a massively overcooked battery chicken burger and drinking past its best beer.”

Regular at the Sir Joseph Waddlebottom in Normanton, Sid Nottadarky, 62, said “The EU is the reason I couldn’t never of got my dream job as a racing driver despite being 18 stone since I was 13 and having milkbottle spectacles. With the new price cuts I can afford more booze coz the drunker I get, the less stupid I feel.”

Electoral experts view this as something of an own goal. Bradley Pickings from the Electoral Choosing Group said “The demographic was clear in the referendum that elderly florid blokes with no jobs and a drink problem voted Leave. As heart attacks, cirrhosis and obesity are among the biggest killers in the over 50s, making their ‘habit’ cheaper is likely to result in higher death rates among the very people who delivered the majority.”
Ian Wetherspoon declined to respond as he was throwing up after a ‘dodgy pint’.