A late middle-aged man from Sheffield has been found guilty of grooming himself on Facebook in what is believed to be the first case of its type.

The man, who cannot be named for fear of savage piss-ripping, used his Facebook account to massage his ego, deleting and banning any comments that suggested he might not be the most divine thing ever to tread God’s earth.

His passive aggressive reproaches of anyone who referred to him in less than wholly complimentary terms were, the prosecution argued, “a cunning means of luring himself into an entirely fake ‘safe space’ where he could flatter himself and develop an auto-relationship based on a tissue of self-deception.”

Sentencing the man to 6 months in prison, definitely NOT in solitary confinement, the judge said,

“There is little doubt that you would have progressed to a physical, and probably sexual encounter with yourself.”