Reinvigorated Prime Minister takes back control; promises strong Tory programme to boost food banking sector

“Listen up you detestable worms, you aren’t going to get a people’s vote on Brexit, and you aren’t getting another one on me either,'” she told a masochist nation.  

“Want me to dance in celebration?  I’ll do better, I’ll rap for you little turds.  I don’t mean to brag, I don’t mean to boast, but I destroy fields of wheat so the poor can’t afford toast.  You voted for May, and I’m here to stay.”

“You had your chance to vote for the magic grandpa, but you blew it.  I mean, look at him, even now, even after all this, he’s still behind me in the polls.  You want me, and it’s about time you admitted it.”

Gripping the podium outside Downing Street like a whip, she lashed out at the assembled reporters, “And as for you lot.  You, with your so-called reporting.  How do you dare think you represent what the people want?  Do they want everyone to be happy?  Their neighbours?  Don’t be ridiculous.”

“What the people of this country have always wanted is to feel superior.  They want to have a slightly newer Mercedes than their neighbour.  They want a neater hedge, and a neater wife.  Of course they want food banks.  They get to give a token item to feel charitable, safe in the knowledge that someone has a worse life than them.  The British like that, don’t you see?  We don’t like the welfare state, we like charity so you can taste the gratitude of the desperate poor.”

“That’s why they like Brexit.  Cooperating with the foreigners is something we do when we are telling them what they should do for us in a war.  But not in peacetime.  Even the lowliest Brit is happy when you remind him he isn’t French.  Just ask any homeless veteran, they know they have it better than some Afghani.”

“Oh God, she sounds just like Thatcher,” said your Tory neighbour wanking into a cup and drinking it.