Using the withdrawal method requires a high level of self-control.  Even then, the withdrawal method isn’t especially effective.

On the face of it (which is a method recommended in some films), the withdrawal method is free and readily available.  However, even if performed skilfully, use of the withdrawal method for one year has a roughly 28% chance of being followed by Labour.  The chances rise with a second year.

To use the withdrawal method, one first needs a penis.  Fortunately, these are in plentiful supply in the Conservative and Unionist Party.  One also needs, well, there’s plenty of those too.  Then, a well timed withdrawal, handled with competence.  Competence is in rather shorter supply.  As for timing, that has become rather tantric, and the consequences are expected to Sting.

Whilst withdrawal itself may well be less fulfilling than staying in, both are at this point equally likely to lead to Labour.  This is typically accompanied by a short lived period of euphoria, perhaps accompanied with shouting “I’m in heaven, just like 97.”

“This time, this time, it’ll be different,” you convince yourself.  But then all you can think about is how painful tits are all swelled up and full of themselves, and how your back hurts and how there still aren’t quite as many drugs as you were promised.

And you’re getting fat and your feet hurt and why are your ankles so big?  Why did you believe the promises about the withdrawal working?  And why did you think the Labour would be less painful than last time? And as those promises Jeremy made in front of the NCT class seem so readily forgotten, and as he lets you down, just like Tony did, the crash into post-natal depression will be enough to make you want to end it all. 

But let’s not think about that, because that’s too far into the future.  Right now, we’re getting thoroughly fucked, so we might as well enjoy it.  Now pull it out and come on my tits Jacob.

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Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?