The collection of gammon faced halfwits known as the UK Independence party has appointed the internationally famous cat abuser Mary Bale as an advisor on cat welfare issues.

Mary will advise Gerard whathisface, this week’s UKIP leader, on issues such as where it’s okay to hide other people’s cats and how to open a recycling bin.

Under current UKIP rules Bale is perfectly eligible for membership because UKIP are shower of shits.

The decision was criticized by former UKIP leader Nigel Farage who said something about not being invited onto Question Time as much as he would like and that while he isn’t particularly fond of cats he thinks putting them into wheelie bins is not a solution, he’d rather just send them back to wherever they came from after Brexit.

Mary Bale said “I’m not really arsed about cats either way I just want to be on the telly.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.