An emergency committee has confirmed that Britain faces an unprecedented state of ‘Armagammon’ today.

One insider told us, “This is the highest state we could be in. Now we’ve declared it some things will happen to deal with it. Wetherspoons staff will be issued with rain macks and plastic visors to help them cope with the spittle from customers. TV’s in pubs will be encased in lead to stop them being attacked by angry old men.”

A spokesman for the NHS said, “We’ve cancelled all staff leave and have implemented emergency measures. Many of these people are obese already. The raised blood pressure combined with a high salt intake from years of Wetherspoons microwave meals means many could have a heart attack. Some have even threatened physical violence. These people haven’t exercised in years. The shock on someone’s body if all they’ve done for several years is walk backwards and forwards between the bar and their seat could be huge. There may even be a shortage of ambulances.”

A spokesman for National Grid said, “We’ve been told to increase capacity in the system. The amount of electricity usage is likely to be much higher than normal as thousands of mobility scooters are charged ready for a march on London.”

A Government insider said, “The situation is very tense. Someone mentioned placing voting booths at the tops of flights of stairs for a second referendum earlier. 6 members of UKIP went an amazing purple color. I’ve not seen anything like that since I was in the Navy at Bikini Atholl.”

It’s understood that the Government is also warning Brits that Second World War references will be at an all-time high by the weekend. One insider said, “These people never fought in the war and most weren’t even born when it happened. That’s why they have such warm memories of it. It makes them think of their childhoods watching war films and building Airfix models with their dads. It’s that they actually miss.”


Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.