Ryanair’s Michael O’Leary has told passengers that the airline will start offering people a punch in the face for as little as £12.99 from next month.

In an announcement the airline said, “We were in the bar last Friday trying to work out what sort of mad stuff we could get away with before people would stop flying with us. We’ve tried delivering peoples bags to a completely different continent, advertising flights to Paris that actually land in Norway, sitting racists next to people on planes. Nothing seems to put people off. They just sit there and go , ‘are sure, it was rubbish spending a week with only speedos to wear and sitting next to that bloke who was wearing his wife’s head as a hat. But think how cheap it was.’

So we’ve had a chat and come up with this great idea where you pay £12.99 and one of the stewards will punch you in the face.”

Bill Board, 64 told us, “I flew to Alicante with them. Michael O’Leary personally shagged my wife in the departure lounge. One of the stewards got my 12 year old daughter pregnant and the other daughter was sold to Boko Haram in a Somalian market. But, I’d still fly with them. I mean, it was only 50 quid for a single ticket.”

It’s alleged that there is a raft of measures coming in that will make passengers lives a bit more miserable. Those not content with a punch in the face from a steward can pay £20 for someone from a stag do to glass them. A payment of £30 and Ryanair will allow arrange for passengers to be crippled with a metal baton as they leave the aircraft.”

A Ryanair insider said, “Sure, there’ll be an uproar but there always is. There’s always someone willing to pay extra though.”