Michel Barnier has revealed that the sole copy of the latest version of the Chequers agreement shredded itself in his office yesterday.

“I popped out for a couple of bottles of Merlot to have with my lunch and when I got back, the tattered remains of the Chequers agreement were hanging from my shredder like some bizarre modern art installation.”

“It looks like the poor beleaguered document had shredded itself in a desperate act of existential suicide.”

“The stress of being claimed to be the only possible solution while simultaneously being no solution at all, like some sort of experiment by Schrodinger was clearly just too much.”