Latest Bond film, Stop and be Searched, shows James Bond as you have never seen him before

After speculation in recent months that the next James Bond could be black or a woman, but obviously not both, news broke this week that Idris Elba would be playing the iconic character, as you’ve never seen him before.

In a clear nod to criticism online from single white males, the traditional exciting opening scene features Bond struggling to get accepted onto the 00 programme. But after Bond is the only agent to successfully infiltrate a Sudanese terror cell, MI6 accept the role moves with the times.

Q, played by Beyonce, warns Bond not to take the prototype Aston Martin to the briefing in Essex, but true to form, Bond steals the prototype. He makes it as far as Stratford before he is stopped for the first time. However, he evades the police who cannot agree whether he is Lukaku or Stormzy.

In Romford, he is told by officers that someone fitting his description has been reported to police. White viewers may be left in some suspense over whether police or public racism is to blame after a white woman is depicted phoning the police.  We’ll not spoil that for them.

After evading those officers and reaching the outskirts of Brentwood, a police officer claims his brake light is out, before hitting it with his truncheon.  This causes the rear machine guns to fire and Bond is now wanted for murder.

We understand further films in the series will feature Bond trying to uncover who is behind the mysterious group Societies Policing English Coloureds To Reassure Everyone.

Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?