Housing and Homeless Ministers announced a package of measures worth £100m to eradicate homelessness today.

As part of the measures 4,751 park and town benches will be removed to be replaced by pop up kitchens, cafe carts and local avant garde art exhibitions.

Plans to electrify shop doorwarys were also included in the measures announced. It is not known how these will be funded, or whether this is related to the many pop up kitchens nearby which have been awarded to the franchise Soylent Green.

The announcement comes as Teresa May had earlier admitted that the Government had “not been sly enough to make people forget about homelessness in the past” and that “Brexit, which means Brexit, was not enough of a distraction”.

The new strategy which launched on Monday, will reach out to those with mental health problems, addictions as well as those who have fled domestic abuse and those leaving prison. The LGBT+ community is also being included as the scale of homeless increases.
James Brokenshire, the ironically named communities secretary, discussed how the funding will work.

“Up to £30m will go on a thinktank to obtain the opinions of angry people from local newspapers and facebook pages. A further £50m will be set aside for a complex computer system designed to distribute the money. Around £19m will be spent rectifying the issues with the system, and the remainder will be spent at B&Q for the tools to remove the benches and buy chicken wire to hook up to the mains”.

Shadow housing secretary John Healy feels this action should come faster and said that he would be “waiting almost a decade to get some tasty Korean street food” if the government’s target for this is 2027.

One Momentum spokesperson contacted the Rochdale Herald and had this to say: “If Corbyn was Prime Minister we wouldn’t need £100m homelessness fund because everybody would have a house, nobody would be mentally ill and it would never rain on a weekend.”