Following recent criticism of the Greater Manchester Road Network, Manchester City Council conducted an audit of the qualifications of the staff employed in the Road Planning Department.

The audit showed serious discrepancies in key skills. In particular, it was noted that no one in the department had passed Key Stage One in Finger Painting.

The auditors heavily criticised Manchester City Council for failing to exercise due care and diligence in assessing the competence of staff in such an important council department.

Whilst the auditors noted the staff were qualified in over-spending and under-achieving, and many in the department were experienced in town planning, they were concerned that the essential skill of painting coloured lines on a piece of paper in an orderly pattern was clearly missing.

They confirmed, that in their opinion, this meant there were A, B and C roads were frequently muddled, junctions and connections didn’t line up and roads went from one to three lanes at exactly the wrong time. Adding the tram system and a cycle network only added to the confusion.

Mr Imright, one of the auditors, described the map of the Greater Manchester Road Network as less than helpful to motorists. He added anyone looking at it for more than five minutes would come to the conclusion it was less than a road map and more of a Jackson Pollock original.

He went on to add that not only was it confusing to motorists it played havoc with the satellite navigation, in fact he had nearly driven into the canal on his way to the council offices. This accounts for why the average city centre journey times are one mile per hour.

A spokesman, who did not want to be named, for Manchester City Council issued a statement explaining that whilst some of the criticisms were justified it was the opinion of the council that the department did a good job under difficult circumstances.

He added “The Council has taken the auditors criticism’s on board, and all staff in the department will be attending Salford County Primary year 6 classes, from next term, for retraining. It will be mandatory for all staff in the department to undertake the Key Stage One Finger Painting Module. They will be given three attempts to pass the exam, and if the fail they will probably be promoted.”