The Labour Party has announced a new policy that will allow young people to get stabbed on night buses much more cheaply.

Labour spokesman, Stan Still said, “Under the Tories young people have increasingly been priced off the buses. This means they have to hire taxis following nights out. Our policy will make travelling on night buses much cheaper. This will open up new opportunities for young people to get stabbed.”

Young person, Tom Walsh said, “I’ve been missing an opportunity to experience first hand some unprovoked extreme violence. I’m looking forward to the opportunity to have my head kicked in for doing nothing by some complete stranger.”

It’s not just casual violence that young people will now get to experience. One young person told us, “As a young man from a minority background I simply haven’t had the opportunity to experience the racist rantings of some randomer on the bus. This new policy will afford me such an opportunity. If I’m really lucky maybe someone will follow me home.”

Women’s rights groups have received the news positively. “In the past, young women had to get an taci home in order to be sexually assaulted. With this policy a whole new set of opportunities will afford women the opportunity to be assaulted.”

It’s hoped that Labour will extend the opportunity for young people to become victims of violence. There are rumours that they intend to stop night clubs charging entry fees in an effort to improve the chances of being killed indoors.

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.