After weeks of hail, freezing temperatures, snow drifts, closed motorways and cancelled trains, the prospect of a mild few days at the beginning of Spring has worried forecasters and panic hoarders alike.

“We’re worried” said Chief Forecaster, Sonny Spells. “If we stop forecasting icy weather, the public may riot. People have been panic buying bread and bottled water again.

“They’ll feel like total dicks if it doesn’t snow.”

“We need much more snow and ice. I have a couple of hundred fat balls for the birds and a brand new snow shovel. I’ve just put snow chains on’t car an’ all, it’s gotta keep snowing.” said a man who once waited for the snowbound Clapham Omnibus in vain.

Members of the public have been heard in pubs throughout the land bragging about how many North Face puffer jackets they’ve bought on eBay and how much bread they’ve cleared off the supermarket shelves. “I have enough food in the house to feed a develooing nation” boasted a man confined to the attic as that’s the only space left.

The SAS has been put on stand-by to quell any potential unrest if it doesn’t snow this weekend and meteorologists are to practice presenting the weather forecast with their fingers crossed behind their backs.

Michael Fish has assured The Rochdale Herald that the weekend is going to be mild and sunny which undoubtedly means the weather’s going to be shit.

Ex-nuclear scientist showing classic signs of radiation overdose. Wrote pantomimes till someone shouted that I was behind them. Believe in luck at first sight. Guinness Book of records for sucking ends of pencils. Brilliant at putting off doing things. Can witter on for ages . . . . . and ages . . . . .