There was consternation today as Jesus revealed to The Rochdale Herald that he slams the doors of heaven in the faces of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Jesus said “They were the dumbest thing I ever invented. Basically, Mary Magdalene had gone away for a spa week with Anne, Catherine and Judith. I was at home and I was lonely so I had this idea for creating people who would travel from house to house keeping the occupants company.

“Next thing you know, ‘KAPOW!’, Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

Jesus said he regretted the move almost immediately. “They just wouldn’t leave. Mary was back and horny as a dog on heat and they’re still there rabbiting on about the Babel. I chucked them out but they just kept coming back. I even went to Limbo and they followed me there. Socrates talked to them for 50 minutes about knowledge and epistemology but they just nodded and smiled and gave him a leaflet.”

Jesus told us how the Jehovah’s Witnesses came back one night. “It was a lads night in. Poseidon had got a new hot tub. Bacchus had got the beers in, Mazda had got the barbecue going and Mars and Thor were setting up the Warhammer. Then the doorbell goes.

“I’d organised for some vestal virgins to come round so I could save their souls so I thought it must be them. 5 hours of ecclesiastics before I got rid of them. Not only that but I missed a complete sausage fest. Bacchus had drunk all the beer and the vestal virgins were exhausted by the time i got back to the party.

“I wept.”

The distraction has all become a bit much for Jesus.

He said, “I’ve even considered converting to Scientology. I figured that would be easy. Nope, I had to go on a weekend retreat to East Grinstead and build a pyramid. I’m the light of the world for Peter’s sake. Why did they think I’d be happy with a weekend in East Grinstead?”

Jesus has now decided that the only way the Jehovah’s Witnesses will get the message is if he slams the gates of heaven on them.

Which is ironic.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.