In the wake of the alleged poisoning of Sergei Skripal and his daughter in Wiltshire last week, the UK has stepped up pressure on Vladimir Putin today with an announcement that it might not give the Russian entry any points in this years Eurovision Song Contest.

After a rather agreeable lunch, the Home Secretary Boris Johnson shocked the world with this unprecedented escalation during a hushed press conference.

The mop-headed cockwomble told The Rochdale Herald “Even those who lack a public school education might have noticed that I have a rather Russian sounding first name. I jolly well know what makes Putin tick and believe me, we mean business and will vote nul points if necessary and give all our points to Abba”.

When pressed on whether the England football team will be allowed to play in the world cup Johnson said “Crikey, hang on a mo. I had no idea they’d qualified. I’m more of a Rugger bugger to be honest.”

The rest of the press conference was conducted in Latin so everyone made a run for the pub.