There was mild surprise today, as the lid was blown off a secret program revealing that Tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg was the product of an experiment to engineer ‘the perfect twat’.
Whistleblowers have revealed that funding was removed directly from hungry childrens mouths to fund the nefarious scheme, with elements of the world’s richest people grafted together in an attempt to form a so called ‘super toff’.
Rees-Mogg, who was originally programmed with the arrogance of an Eton education and a sole purpose of being wheeled out on Question Time to field questions from the plebs, began harnessing the power of his own self satisfaction upon receiving rapturous applause for his ‘common sense’ policies. He became self aware on the 1st of January 2000, eventually successfully running as an MP to the horror of many.
A discreet former Conservative source, who only wished to give his name as M Portillo, briefly stopped reading his 1720’s railway guide to Prussia to tell the Herald “He started off as someone who upheld true British values, like wearing a monocle and pining for imperial rule. He’s now the type of person who thinks his neighborhood has gone to the dogs because yet another billionaire has moved next door. He needs to be stopped. Even I think he’s too much, and look at the state of this ghastly lime green sports jacket I’m wearing!”
Rees-Mogg too busy cramming his mouth with plums and bathing in champagne whilst buttering his wife with caviar to pass comment.
