There was good news for caffeine drinkers, addicts & nervous twitchers throughout the multiverse today, as stunning new research sensationally revealed that coffee holds the key to everlasting life.
The benefits of coffee have long been debated over the millenia, as it holds the rare honour of being praised in almost all religious textures including the Bible (And lo, did Jesus go forth to Costa in Aramathea and spake unto the barista ‘one grande double decaff soy Latte please mate’ John 3:22), the Qu’ran, the Torah & even Buddhist scriptures.
Professor Max Wellhouse from Rochdale Community University told reporters that although ‘dangerously low or high levels’ can lead to poor health, ‘just the right amount’ can prolong your life for eternity. ‘That’s why you get so many insufferable go getters working in the city living until they’re 108.’ He sagely nodded to murmurs of realization amongst the assembled press.
Following the news, coffee supplies quickly sold out across the country, with supermarkets and convenience stores alike being ransacked.
There was a cautionary tale amongst the euphoria, however.
Lancashire’s last surviving veteran of the War of the Roses, John Smith from Blackburn who recently celebrated his 583rd birthday with a trip to Alton Towers, warned of the perils of caffeine.
Mr Smith explained to the Herald that he had made the mistake of drinking just the right amount of coffee to have kept him alive throughout the centuries.
He refused to hand over the formula saying the it had seemed like a good idea at the time. He has lived through Shakespeare’s hayday and the industrial revolution, seen man go from inventing the horseless carriage to landing on the moon.
“Now it’s all about Love Island, Come Dine With Me and Naked First Dates,” he said.
“Please kill me now.”
