The Senior Outsourcing Revenue Maximisation Vice President for KPMG, the ‘big four?’ auditor under fire for signing off Carillion’s accounts months before its collapse, has pleaded ignorance to the £2.6Billion pensions shortfall and eye watering losses following his client Carillion’s collapse.

“We are just accountants trying to do our job like everyone else,” Nigel D’Arcy-Smythe told The Rochdale Herald.

“If Carillion had told us there was a problem, we would have worked collaboratively to ensure a plebeian protection protocol was fully implemented to protect staff. It was just a little unfortunate that we chose to fully implement the abscondit pecuniam protocol instead. The directors and shareholders seemed to be more than happy with it,” he added with a wry smile.

When we pressed further, Mr D’Arcy-Smythe insisted on turning up the air conditioning in his big, glass corner office with panoramic views of Canary Wharf as he said it was “quite stuffy”. With rubber plants dancing on the breeze and papers flying off his desk, D’A-S seemed to be losing his cool.

“Look, if they didn’t even learn the classics, is it any wonder that they lost their pensions? Who am I, their mother? We’re just doing the best we can for our client and the UK taxpayer.”

However the good news is that they have set up a new specialist department within KPMG called the Outsourcing Due Diligence Direcotate which should ensure further protection for outsourced employees and the UK taxpayer.

After their fee has been deducted of course.